My Silent Sorrow

When I started this blog I set out to share how God had led us into adoption and use it as a place others could follow along with us on this journey. I now realize that God is prompting me to also share what I call my silent sorrow. I pray that through sharing my experience I may be able to help those who are walking through the loss of an unborn child, family and friends that are walking along side someone who has experienced this loss or someone who may have to walk down this path in the future.

In my very first post (Let the Journey Begin )I explained that back in July we lost our precious baby half way through my pregnancy. Immediately after the loss I didn't experience a tremendous amount of grief. There was crying and lots of unanswered questions, but overall I felt at peace with the situation. I remember my dear friend who walked beside me during those first few days would ask me over and over if I was okay. I told her that I felt okay and I had another child to take care of, so I didn't have time to sit and wallow in the pain. I'm sure she knew and somewhere deep down I also knew that the grief would one day come forth but as long as I could stay busy I could push down my pain. Each person grieves so differently and sometimes when you are walking through it you can't see it for what it is and even if you can your mind tells you that it's easier not to deal with it.

My experience of deep grief was limited to only one other time in my life when my father was killed by a drunk driver 6 years ago. It felt so natural to grieve the loss of his life because I had shared a life and so many memories with him. But, this was a child that I never got to meet or even hold so I felt awkward grieving for someone I didn't know. I say this and want you to know that by no means did I not think that our baby's life was precious because it was nothing shy of a miracle.

We were blessed by the love and support of so many around us that it made those first few weeks much easier to endure. The first time I truly felt my sorrow begin was after all the visitors, letters, meals, and phone calls came to an end and everyone else's lives went on as normal and we were left with an emptiness in our hearts. This was also when a true work began in our marriage as we no longer could rely on others and had to turn God and each other for comfort. My husband's unconditional love during this process has been overwhelming and my eyes fill with tears as I think about the his ability to show me love even when I was at my worst. Thank you Lord for this wonderful man you have given me.

As the first few weeks after our loss came and went all the signs of the baby began to disappear. There was no longer a growing belly or even the need for my maternity clothes. The nursery walls would stay white because there would be no need to decorate, baby showers were taken off the calendar and our vision of what Christmas would be like was dramatically changed (our baby's due date was December 26th).

When reality began to sink in I remember the overwhelming feeling of discouragement. In the 2 years leading up to the loss of our baby was a long struggle with infertility. For me this is also part of the grieving process because I know this life was such a miracle and to struggle again with infertility would also be painful. As we waited for my body to heal in the few months following our loss there was plenty of time to think about all that had happened and to seek God's will in where we should go from here.

Once the doctor told us we could start trying we prayed through our decision to use infertility treatments once again. During this time I yearned to become pregnant quickly. Looking back I can see that in some ways I was hoping to fill a hole in my heart. It seemed everywhere I looked were expectant mothers that were at the same stage of pregnancy I would have been. It was a hard reminder of what was not going to be for me. Our dreams of another pregnancy would not come true and after 2 IUI attempts I developed a very large cyst and the doctor did not feel comfortable continuing the treatments. As many days as I had spent asking God to reveal His will and to close this door if wasn't the path we were to walk down, I still mourned the fact that I would most likely not carry a child in my womb.

During the months after we stopped the infertility treatments I dealt with every emotion and sometimes all at once. Reggie seemed to have moved past the loss and was back to his normal routine. As for me, I desperately wanted to hold our baby and found myself cherishing every moment I had with our son and thanking the Lord for allowing me to be a mother. I wondered if I would ever stop yearning to carry a child in my womb again and began asking my closest friends to pray for God to take away that desire if He had another path for us.

I can't remember the exact day, but my desire to be pregnant slowly went away. This doesn't mean that I would not be overjoyed if we were to ever be blessed by another pregnancy in the future. It just means that it no longer ruled my every thought and feeling. I felt free to live again and start moving past our loss. So, after tons of prayer we felt God's tug on hearts to adopt.

The excitement for both of us on the day we decided to move forward in the direction of adoption was awesome. I can say that adoption may not have been the path we thought we would take, but now that we are on the path it is by no means our second choice. With joy in our hearts about the child that would become part of our forever family I seemed to be no longer be experiencing grief. Little did I know that the sorrow would once again over take my emotions as the baby's due date approached.

I thought it was only normal to feel this pain as I remembered the baby I would never get to know. Now only after a month later did I realize that my sorrow has been a silent one. Some days I am frustrated and other days melancholy. It is when the overwhelming feelings of sadness come about that I know I need closure. When my sweet 3 year hears me crying and asks,"Mommy do you still miss the baby?" and I realize in that moment how much I really do.

My intention is to be real about all areas of my sorrow so others can walk through their own situations with a knowledge of some possible similarities they may experience. I say that to bring up the harder side of this pain for me. The loneliness I feel at times is immense and the anger that comes when I least expect it. As I mentioned before my husband is the most loving man, but we grieve very differently. So, at times I have felt this sorrow is my own to bare and I didn't want to burden him with this pain that feels like it will never end. I am thankful that God created us differently so we both aren't so emotional that we can't function. The anger has been so unpredictable. I can be so happy for a friend who announces her pregnancy or delivers a child and later find that the emotion of anger overwhelms me for no reason at all. These things are not always pretty, but to work through the pain it best if I am honest.

That brings me to today. I realized for the first time last week that I needed help from someone else who had experienced such a loss. Right after we lost our baby we were told of a ministry called Caleb Ministries and asked if I would like to talk with a counselor. I didn't think I needed to talk to anyone at that time and all I needed was time to heal me pain. Now after 6 months I see that closure is very important for me, my husband and son. I called the ministry today and the director talked to me for awhile and let me explain exactly where I am in this process. She explained that she felt it would be helpful if I became part of a Bible study that would help bring the closure I desperately seek. Please be in prayer as I begin this journey in the next few weeks with other women who have experienced similar losses.

Because this post was so difficult to write I wrote it over a period of several days and would pray in between writings for God's guidance as to the words I chose. My greatest desire is that anyone else who may be experiencing a similar sorrow will seek God in the midst of it all and use this post and future posts to you are not alone in your sorrow.

I end this post with the Psalm that one of my dearest friends gave to me as she asked God to reveal verses that would comfort me during this time.

Psalm 13

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,

for he has been good to me.