Learning Through Loss (Part 1)

My Need

Over the past 6 weeks I have been involved in a Bible study through Caleb Ministries. Six months after the loss of our baby I began to feel the overwhelming need to have my questions answered and find some type of closure. A dear friend suggested I contact the ministry a few days after our loss, but it wasn't until much later that I would see my need. About 6 months later the grieving process would hit me like a ton of bricks, which would lead me down this road of finding purpose and meaning behind our loss.

Hope for the Future

Each circumstance or loss you read about is part of God's purpose and plan for that individual. Throughout this circumstance I have clung to the verse where God explains His intention for those who are His children by saying,

"For I know the plans I have for you,

plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me,

and I will listen to you.

And you will seek Me and find me,

when you search for Me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

My heart longs for the hope and future only God can promise!

Journey to Peace, Understanding and Closure

I embarked on a this process of bringing peace and closure (the closure I mention is not one of forgetting or suppression of my emotions. I will always have a deep desire to know and hold our baby. I still dream about what our little one would have looked like, what personality it would have had and what our home would be like today with two precious children) to a painful area of my life with very few expectations. The journey has not always easy and has required me to search for truth in a painful situation. But, what I did come to know is that each of us has times in our lives that are associated with pain. The most important thing is what we turn to for comfort during these times. Just after our loss we were shown so much love from our family and friends and it was one of the greatest examples of the Body of Christ (fellow believers in Jesus) we have ever experienced. I really believe because we had so much love during that time it allowed me to rest and not dwell on our circumstance. For us, we knew that turning to God would be the only way to bring true peace and understanding.

As I began this study I realized that nothing can change God's plan, there is nothing He doesn't know, nothing He doesn't understand and He is never surprised or confused. This truth comes from Job 42 :

"Then Job answered the Lord and said:

'I know that you can do all things,

and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.

‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’

Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,

things too wonderful for me,

which I did not know.

‘Hear, and I will speak;

I will question you,

and you make it known to me."

Along with this God's plan is perfect and good. I learned this early in the study and I felt like so many of my questions had been answered through these passages.

My desire for understanding was and always is persistent. While we can only see small vignettes of what is happening in our own lives, God sees the big picture. His understanding is infinite, but His ways are not always comprehensible to us.

For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

Neither are your ways My ways declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

So are my ways higher than your ways,

And My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Lessons Learned

In the workbook portion of the study it asked: What good things have come about from your suffering? The first thing that immediately came to mind was a deeper empathy I have gained for others. I had always heard that you could not truly understand someone else's pain until you experienced it yourself. As much as I would love to have my precious baby here with me today, I cannot tell you how blessed I have been to talk with other people about their experiences and be able to understand the depth of their pain. As I stated in an earlier post, I started this blog because of our adoption journey, but because I felt God lead me to write about our loss I have heard from so many of you who have been down this path. God can even use a blog to fulfill His purpose! The second thing that came to my mind was the overwhelming desire I have to know God's will for my life. I realized that before this happened I was in the habit of trying to control my life and never stopped to ask God what His thoughts were. I laugh when I think back to my so called perfect plan: 1) Get married to a great guy (this part of the plan definitely happened!) 2) Build a nice home 3) Have my first baby by age 28 4) Have my second baby at age 30 5) Have my third baby at age 32. God allowed most of my plans to come true until we realized that infertility was part of our story and baby number 2 would not be as easy as we thought. I can't tell you how thankful I am for our infertility issue and even our experience of loss. This may sound weird or even harsh, but what is life if you are living it out of God's will and you never stop to ask what His plans are for your life? Because He loves me so deeply He has used this experience to draw me closer to Him and realize just what I was missing all along.

My Prayer

Lord, help me to always remember that your will for my life so much more than I could ever comprehend or dream up for myself. Help me never lose sight of bringing you glory in every circumstance and trial. May my pain be used for a bigger purpose and for others to find comfort in knowing that you are the "God of all comfort".

Amen