My Silent Sorrow

When I started this blog I set out to share how God had led us into adoption and use it as a place others could follow along with us on this journey. I now realize that God is prompting me to also share what I call my silent sorrow. I pray that through sharing my experience I may be able to help those who are walking through the loss of an unborn child, family and friends that are walking along side someone who has experienced this loss or someone who may have to walk down this path in the future.

In my very first post (Let the Journey Begin )I explained that back in July we lost our precious baby half way through my pregnancy. Immediately after the loss I didn't experience a tremendous amount of grief. There was crying and lots of unanswered questions, but overall I felt at peace with the situation. I remember my dear friend who walked beside me during those first few days would ask me over and over if I was okay. I told her that I felt okay and I had another child to take care of, so I didn't have time to sit and wallow in the pain. I'm sure she knew and somewhere deep down I also knew that the grief would one day come forth but as long as I could stay busy I could push down my pain. Each person grieves so differently and sometimes when you are walking through it you can't see it for what it is and even if you can your mind tells you that it's easier not to deal with it.

My experience of deep grief was limited to only one other time in my life when my father was killed by a drunk driver 6 years ago. It felt so natural to grieve the loss of his life because I had shared a life and so many memories with him. But, this was a child that I never got to meet or even hold so I felt awkward grieving for someone I didn't know. I say this and want you to know that by no means did I not think that our baby's life was precious because it was nothing shy of a miracle.

We were blessed by the love and support of so many around us that it made those first few weeks much easier to endure. The first time I truly felt my sorrow begin was after all the visitors, letters, meals, and phone calls came to an end and everyone else's lives went on as normal and we were left with an emptiness in our hearts. This was also when a true work began in our marriage as we no longer could rely on others and had to turn God and each other for comfort. My husband's unconditional love during this process has been overwhelming and my eyes fill with tears as I think about the his ability to show me love even when I was at my worst. Thank you Lord for this wonderful man you have given me.

As the first few weeks after our loss came and went all the signs of the baby began to disappear. There was no longer a growing belly or even the need for my maternity clothes. The nursery walls would stay white because there would be no need to decorate, baby showers were taken off the calendar and our vision of what Christmas would be like was dramatically changed (our baby's due date was December 26th).

When reality began to sink in I remember the overwhelming feeling of discouragement. In the 2 years leading up to the loss of our baby was a long struggle with infertility. For me this is also part of the grieving process because I know this life was such a miracle and to struggle again with infertility would also be painful. As we waited for my body to heal in the few months following our loss there was plenty of time to think about all that had happened and to seek God's will in where we should go from here.

Once the doctor told us we could start trying we prayed through our decision to use infertility treatments once again. During this time I yearned to become pregnant quickly. Looking back I can see that in some ways I was hoping to fill a hole in my heart. It seemed everywhere I looked were expectant mothers that were at the same stage of pregnancy I would have been. It was a hard reminder of what was not going to be for me. Our dreams of another pregnancy would not come true and after 2 IUI attempts I developed a very large cyst and the doctor did not feel comfortable continuing the treatments. As many days as I had spent asking God to reveal His will and to close this door if wasn't the path we were to walk down, I still mourned the fact that I would most likely not carry a child in my womb.

During the months after we stopped the infertility treatments I dealt with every emotion and sometimes all at once. Reggie seemed to have moved past the loss and was back to his normal routine. As for me, I desperately wanted to hold our baby and found myself cherishing every moment I had with our son and thanking the Lord for allowing me to be a mother. I wondered if I would ever stop yearning to carry a child in my womb again and began asking my closest friends to pray for God to take away that desire if He had another path for us.

I can't remember the exact day, but my desire to be pregnant slowly went away. This doesn't mean that I would not be overjoyed if we were to ever be blessed by another pregnancy in the future. It just means that it no longer ruled my every thought and feeling. I felt free to live again and start moving past our loss. So, after tons of prayer we felt God's tug on hearts to adopt.

The excitement for both of us on the day we decided to move forward in the direction of adoption was awesome. I can say that adoption may not have been the path we thought we would take, but now that we are on the path it is by no means our second choice. With joy in our hearts about the child that would become part of our forever family I seemed to be no longer be experiencing grief. Little did I know that the sorrow would once again over take my emotions as the baby's due date approached.

I thought it was only normal to feel this pain as I remembered the baby I would never get to know. Now only after a month later did I realize that my sorrow has been a silent one. Some days I am frustrated and other days melancholy. It is when the overwhelming feelings of sadness come about that I know I need closure. When my sweet 3 year hears me crying and asks,"Mommy do you still miss the baby?" and I realize in that moment how much I really do.

My intention is to be real about all areas of my sorrow so others can walk through their own situations with a knowledge of some possible similarities they may experience. I say that to bring up the harder side of this pain for me. The loneliness I feel at times is immense and the anger that comes when I least expect it. As I mentioned before my husband is the most loving man, but we grieve very differently. So, at times I have felt this sorrow is my own to bare and I didn't want to burden him with this pain that feels like it will never end. I am thankful that God created us differently so we both aren't so emotional that we can't function. The anger has been so unpredictable. I can be so happy for a friend who announces her pregnancy or delivers a child and later find that the emotion of anger overwhelms me for no reason at all. These things are not always pretty, but to work through the pain it best if I am honest.

That brings me to today. I realized for the first time last week that I needed help from someone else who had experienced such a loss. Right after we lost our baby we were told of a ministry called Caleb Ministries and asked if I would like to talk with a counselor. I didn't think I needed to talk to anyone at that time and all I needed was time to heal me pain. Now after 6 months I see that closure is very important for me, my husband and son. I called the ministry today and the director talked to me for awhile and let me explain exactly where I am in this process. She explained that she felt it would be helpful if I became part of a Bible study that would help bring the closure I desperately seek. Please be in prayer as I begin this journey in the next few weeks with other women who have experienced similar losses.

Because this post was so difficult to write I wrote it over a period of several days and would pray in between writings for God's guidance as to the words I chose. My greatest desire is that anyone else who may be experiencing a similar sorrow will seek God in the midst of it all and use this post and future posts to you are not alone in your sorrow.

I end this post with the Psalm that one of my dearest friends gave to me as she asked God to reveal verses that would comfort me during this time.

Psalm 13

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,

for he has been good to me.

Wordless Wednesday - Our Friends Visit India

We are official! (Our home study is finished)

Last night was our last home study meeting and home examination. We made it through and now are officially in the waiting process of the adoption. It feels so good to have all the paperwork completed and know that we could receive a call at any time that we have been matched with a baby.

I have received many questions about our process so far and and some of you have even thought about adoption yourselves. So, as we journey along I will write about our experiences in hopes that if God leads you into your own journey or you may know someone who is on this journey you can feel a little more equipped.

So, let's start at the beginning it's a very good place to start (sorry that's a little Sound of Music play on words). To begin the adoption process everyone must complete what is known as a home study. Both domestic and international adoptions require this and and everyone in the immediate family is involved. The main purpose of the process is make sure you are fit to be parents.

Our home study agency required 3 separate meetings with each meeting having it's own focus. The first meeting was about 2 hours long and it's main purpose was to get to know us better as a couple and individually. The topics that we covered were family backgrounds (including upbringing, siblings, key events, and what was learned from them), how we met, our childhoods, education, employment, finances, our marriage relationship, and what we admire about each other. It was fun to see how Reggie answered the questions about us as a couple and why he choose me as his bride. Ladies, this is one way to get your hubby to talk about his feelings!

Round two consisted of another 2 hour discussion, but this time it focused more on why wanted to adopt. Some of the topics covered were our motivation to adopt, expectations for the child, feelings about infertility, the loss of our unborn child, our parenting style and integration of the child into the family. It made us realize even more that this was God's will for our lives and that we both had the same perspective on what this child will mean to our family.

The final meeting that we had last night was, for me, the most stressful. I know that the agency said it was only a 15 minute walk through evaluation of our home for safety, but somehow I thought the house had to organized and cleaned top to bottom (it must be a girl thing). It really was only 15 minutes and the social worker did walk through each room and make notes, but the main focus was on the nursery, Rhett's room and our playroom. And for those of you who knew my goal was to finish Rhett's big boy room makeover before last night, unfortunately I didn't make it.

Along with these 3 meetings we also had plenty of paperwork to complete. The types of things they ask for are copies of birth certificates, marriage certificate, medical clearances, criminal background checks, verification of employment, your most recent 1040 tax form and three notarized letters of reference from non-family members.

The cost of our study was $1400 and it took about 6 weeks for the interviewing and we will wait another 2-3 weeks for the final written report. If you need a speedy process they can do it in as little as 1-2 weeks.

The great thing about getting this completed is we are now officially in the waiting portion of our journey and we can now begin applying for grants and loans.

I always want to be real about all aspects of our journey and share with you our feelings, frustrations, joys and any other thing God may have us experience. So, when I look back on this phase of the journey I will be honest and say that it was stressful at times to bear personal information in our interviews, feel like our home was being scrutinized and spend lots of time filling out paperwork. I say all this to keep it real and let you know that it was challenging, but when we keep our focus on the precious baby God has for us it makes all the challenges seem so small and worth every minute!

Wordless Wednesday : In Honor of Sanctity of Human Life Week

Snow Day

We woke up to a winter wonderland this morning! It's been so long since we have had snow I didn't think it would really happen. It was extra special for me because this was Rhett's first time seeing snow (he did see snow 2 years ago, but he was way to young to remember).

We suited up ...

headed out...

played awhile ...

and warmed up.

Not Me Monday

Can you believe it's already time to share some of the things we did during the week and pretend we were not the ones who did them.


I did not get insecure when the cashier at the store mentioned a sale on workout pants because the pair I had on had seen their better days.

I did not allow my 3 year to pick out his own clothes and see him come down stairs in nothing but his race car slippers. And, I did not hear him explain that he could just keep himself warm.

I did not feel like my cook all your meals for a month meal plan was way to complicated and want to give up after only 2 recipes.

I did not break one of my SERIOUS, NOT EVER ALLOWED rules in our house and let Rhett sleep with us the last two nights because he continued to wake up every 30 minutes crying.

I also did not feed him eggs that make him break out in a rash and cause him to itch (even though the doctor said he's not allergic) and not stop to think that this may be why he couldn't sleep.

I did not get really excited on Wednesday nights because we eat dinner at church and I don't have to cook!

I did not promise my hubby that I would clear out the boxes I placed in his parking spot (over 2 weeks ago) of the garage and not end up doing it because I couldn't stand the thought of how cold it would be out there.

I also did not tell him not to do it because only I knew where everything needed to go and I worried if he put them away I may never find them again. That would just be unfair since he has been having to suffer in the freezing temps each morning as scrapes the ice off his windshield .

Okay, now it's your turn. What did you not do this week?

Ready, Set, Cook

I promised myself I would try one of those freeze your meals and eat for a month plans. So, I headed out to the grocery store and stocked up on all the items I needed to make my life easier, take some stress off and just be prepared.

The first step at the grocery store was well, a little harder than I thought. The amount of food I had to buy weighed down the cart so much that turning the aisles proved to be quite a challenge. Then, I really needed to rent another shopper to push a second cart because the first one was overflowing. I had to stop at fewer recipes than I wanted.

Next, I guess I had not planned ahead too well since I didn't have enough room in the pantry once I got home with the groceries. After looking further at the book I choose it did have all that in the first chapter, but I thought "I don't need that chapter, that's probably for someone who has never cooked." Who knew?

Finally, I got ready to cook two of my recipes and I was off and running. Reggie took Rhett to the park and I had the whole kitchen to myself. It's a good thing because I found out quickly I needed it and every square inch I could find.

Look at all the canned goods I needed for just 2 recipes! And, since I am much better at art than cooking I gave Rhett a little art lesson with stacking cans .




Here's the kitchen during the cooking marathon. Yikes! My mom always taught me that a good cook cleans as they go. I don't think I will be getting that good cook award anytime soon.




I did finally get 2 recipes finished, which gave us a grand total of 8 meals. The only problem with that is we will be eating chicken enchiladas and meatloaf everyday for the next 2 weeks. Here's to good eating!

Can I have a band aid now?

I must say that I find it really amusing how kids come up with ways to get what they want.

Rhett has this crazy thing for Thomas the Train and would do just about anything to get a band aid with Thomas on it. So, in our house the rules are no blood, no band aid (or else we would go broke buying these things).

On this day he really did do a number on his chin and definitely deserved his band aid badge of courage.

But, on this day he decided he would use markers to create a few boo boos of his own in hopes that we would not see the difference. He very seriously explained that he really needed a band aid so the boo boo would heal and asked ever so nicely, "Mommy, can I have my band aid now?" We caught on when the wounds were bright green and purple.

What are some of the most creative things the kids you know have come up with to sell their story?

Fruit for a Year!

In our sunday school class the girls got together and decided it would be fun to have a Secret Heart Sister. Here's how it works: We each were assigned another girl in the class who we would pray for and encourage through email (in secret of course), written notes or little gifts to make her feel special. Today my secret heart sister surprised me with a Harry and David fruit for a year gift. This month it is pears and each month the fruit will change with the season. I can hardly wait!

I encourage you to find someone that you can bless through prayer and encouragement. You never know the difference you might make just when they need it most.

Thanks so much to my secret heart sis,

you made me feel so special!

Wordless Wednesday and a Photo MeMe

I was tagged by my friend, Jenny, to do a photo meme and

thought it would be great to do the

Wordless Wednesday photo and this at the same time.

The Rules:

~Open your photos, choose the 6th folder and then the 6th photo in that folder.

~Post the photo with a description about it and tag 6 friends to do the same.

So here is the 6th photo in my 6th folder.

Thank goodness it was not me in a bathing suit!

This is our little man at 6 months old
splashing around in his baby pool.

Look at all those rolls!!!

Not Me Monday (Week 2)

It's once again time to be brutally honest, to get everything off my chest and tell about all the things I most certainly did NOT do this week! (wink, wink)

I did not think about logging into Nicole Roger's photo contest and voting for Rhett's photo over and over so he could win the cutest photo prize. Now that would not be fair, and way too much like a proud mommy. Anyway it looked like someone else already had the same idea!

I did not sneak a nap this week (because I was up until 1 am working on our adoption photo album) and then rush around at break-neck speed in order to pick my son up from preschool...no way, NOT ME!

I did not hear someone knocking at the door and have to run to my bedroom to put on my clothes because I was still in my jammies at 11 am …good grief, NOT ME!

I did not break into tears for no reason when I thought about how fast my little man is growing up and then tell my husband that he would be in college before we know it, now that would be silly!

I did not take a million pictures I'll probably never print, just because. I always print ALL the photos I take, and just a few at that. Who has the room to keep all those? Not me!

What did you not do this week?

It's time to VOTE!

Yeah! One of Rhett's photos was chosen as a top 12 finialist for a favorites from 2008 photo contest. Photographer Nicole Rogers is having a contest on her blog site and I need you to vote.

Here's how it works:
1) Log into her blog site by clicking here (Nicole Rogers Blog)and look for the contest post
2) Leave her a comment in the comments section below the post or email her at nlrphotography@yahoo.com
3) Vote for Rhett's photo which is #9 (only if you think it's cute of course!)

Thanks a bunch and let's get voting!

We are almost done! (Adoption Homestudy and Portfolio)

Well...it is feeling a bit more real! We are done with the first two home study meetings and all we have left is our final home visit. In this visit they will do a white glove test, go through our closets and check our home's air quality. Just kidding! It is a simple walk through that ensures our home is a safe environment. Knowing me I will still clean for days to get ready.

I am also almost finished with our adoption portfolio photo book. You may be wondering what this is exactly. It is a book that tells our story with photos and anything we feel needs to be written to help show who we are as a family. This is the book that birth parents look at to decide which family to choose for their baby. It has been very emotional to create and I pray that it will do a good job telling our story so she can make the best choice for her baby.

This is one of my favorite pages I got to create because it gave me an excuse to get out all of our wedding photos and remember such a sweet day in our life together.

We also were asked to write a letter to the birth mother. This has been the toughest part. How do you find the words to express your gratitude for her decision to save her baby's life and possibly choose us to be her child's forever family?

Wordless Wednesday : Rhett in Daddy's Shoes - Big Shoes to Fill

Not Me Monday (Week 1)

It is time for a free therapy session… Where we tell all the things that absolutely DIDN’T Happen to us this week! (wink, wink).



I am joining in on a concept I read about and thought would be fun to do. On Mondays I will pretend that I really did not do some of the things that I actually did do the prior week. Isn't it fun to pretend! We're all human, we all take embarrassing shortcuts so we may as join each other in not taking ourselves too seriously. Please feel free join in by posting your "Not Me" stories in the comment section below.


I did not already take down all the Christmas decorations because I wanted things back to "normal." Nope, not me I would never get the decorations put away before the New Year, that would be Scrooge like.

I did not get up this morning and think ... hmm, it would just be easier to stay in our jammies and not worry about getting back into our regular routine. The week hubby was off and we could all three hang out together and just enjoy lazy days were all too slow for me.

I did not wake up at 6 am on Christmas morning before anyone else because I was so excited to see our little boy get up, not me!

I did not see my husband teach our 3 year old son how '"big boys go potty when there isn't one"on the side of the road on our way home from our Christmas road trip.

I did not get all excited when I saw a new freeze all your meals for the month make ahead cookbook and decided to buy it as I try yet another cooking solution.

I did not go back to the gym today for the first time in weeks and only walk on the treadmill 28 minutes and 30 seconds. Come on, I am motivated enough to walk my set goal of 30 minutes and not skip out on the rest of my workout.

So what did you not do this week?